Who killed chivalry?

This is a follow-up to my previous post. Who do you think killed chivalry? Men or Women? The argument seems to be both, it has gone back and forth. However, it is mentioned by some that it was killed by women. It was killed by us ladies because we have begun to shift our expectations of our men and of ourselves. While I understand the logical reasoning behind the statement, I find myself torn, simply because there is a thin line between shifting expectations and societal expectations, but there is also indirect and unforeseen influences.

I was in a two year relationship with a great man, but we went our separate ways after I had spent a year in Vermont and began evaluating my life, my decisions, and the direction I was heading. Let me begin with my values and where they came from. I was raised in a migrating family where a strong work ethic was encouraged since the day I was born. My parents then got a divorce my first year in high school after having a fall out in their relationship, thus my mother was force to raise four girls by juggling 3 low-paying jobs for years to come. I saw here struggle to put food on the kitchen table, yet she never missed a single football game, band concert, ROTC competition, or Parent's Weekend (TAMU) for 15 years. She taught me the meaning of independence, empowerment, courage, dignity, service, pride, and RESPECT! I refused to let myself be driven by love because I was determined to get all my degrees before 'wasting' my time, or so that is how I saw it. My first serious relationship was my last semester of my last year in college . . . this was the 2-year relationship. Unfortunately, through those two years, I lost friendships, I lost out in different opportunities, I lost who I was. I felt as if the only way out was the leave the state of Texas for graduate school. It was until then that I was able to leave my ex-partner.

The following year after we broke up, I decided to evaluate MY choices as opposed to putting all the blame on him. I blamed him because I felt as if he was holding me back from doing more and being more (I would elaborate more but for the integrity of this blog and the respect of our previous relationship I won't). However, in reflecting I realized how I might have killed the very chivalry I wanted. In other words, I am a hopeless romantic (something I am still trying to work through, hence this post) where roses and surprises get the best of me, where I go weak at the knees when I am swept away by a gesture, and where I cry in every romantic, chick-flic, notebook-wanna-be film. But then . . . I prefer to see myself as an independent woman where I can open my own door, plan my own outings, and don't need direction from any one.

At what point should I expect the man to open the door for me? And at what point is it okay for me to open my own door with out taking the chivalrous man out of my man? At what point is it okay for my man to cry in front of me and for me to see him as a man instead of a 'wimp'? Because according to society, a real man shows tears and is emotional, but that is also seen as weak, as feminine, as soft . . . What type of man will I fall for next? And will I be expecting the same thing? I don't know.

Aside from the whole independent, chingona woman I consider myself, I have the history of my parent's divorce looming over me like a dark cloud ready to burst. When I go on dates (which aren't many) I can never seem to let the sun shine beyond the cloud. The fear of divorce haunts me every where I go with a man. How can I over come that? How can I help my students who find themselves in similar situations?

I continue to observe myself to understand who I am . . . but like Hasani expressed during his presentation, dating is okay, it is almost necessary for you to find that right person. It is through dating that you will be able to pin point what you need and what you do not need. But for the mean time, let the man practice his chivalry, because for all you know that is just what might be missing in you single independent strong life. Which is what I am working on ;)