Who killed chivalry?

This is a follow-up to my previous post. Who do you think killed chivalry? Men or Women? The argument seems to be both, it has gone back and forth. However, it is mentioned by some that it was killed by women. It was killed by us ladies because we have begun to shift our expectations of our men and of ourselves. While I understand the logical reasoning behind the statement, I find myself torn, simply because there is a thin line between shifting expectations and societal expectations, but there is also indirect and unforeseen influences.

I was in a two year relationship with a great man, but we went our separate ways after I had spent a year in Vermont and began evaluating my life, my decisions, and the direction I was heading. Let me begin with my values and where they came from. I was raised in a migrating family where a strong work ethic was encouraged since the day I was born. My parents then got a divorce my first year in high school after having a fall out in their relationship, thus my mother was force to raise four girls by juggling 3 low-paying jobs for years to come. I saw here struggle to put food on the kitchen table, yet she never missed a single football game, band concert, ROTC competition, or Parent's Weekend (TAMU) for 15 years. She taught me the meaning of independence, empowerment, courage, dignity, service, pride, and RESPECT! I refused to let myself be driven by love because I was determined to get all my degrees before 'wasting' my time, or so that is how I saw it. My first serious relationship was my last semester of my last year in college . . . this was the 2-year relationship. Unfortunately, through those two years, I lost friendships, I lost out in different opportunities, I lost who I was. I felt as if the only way out was the leave the state of Texas for graduate school. It was until then that I was able to leave my ex-partner.

The following year after we broke up, I decided to evaluate MY choices as opposed to putting all the blame on him. I blamed him because I felt as if he was holding me back from doing more and being more (I would elaborate more but for the integrity of this blog and the respect of our previous relationship I won't). However, in reflecting I realized how I might have killed the very chivalry I wanted. In other words, I am a hopeless romantic (something I am still trying to work through, hence this post) where roses and surprises get the best of me, where I go weak at the knees when I am swept away by a gesture, and where I cry in every romantic, chick-flic, notebook-wanna-be film. But then . . . I prefer to see myself as an independent woman where I can open my own door, plan my own outings, and don't need direction from any one.

At what point should I expect the man to open the door for me? And at what point is it okay for me to open my own door with out taking the chivalrous man out of my man? At what point is it okay for my man to cry in front of me and for me to see him as a man instead of a 'wimp'? Because according to society, a real man shows tears and is emotional, but that is also seen as weak, as feminine, as soft . . . What type of man will I fall for next? And will I be expecting the same thing? I don't know.

Aside from the whole independent, chingona woman I consider myself, I have the history of my parent's divorce looming over me like a dark cloud ready to burst. When I go on dates (which aren't many) I can never seem to let the sun shine beyond the cloud. The fear of divorce haunts me every where I go with a man. How can I over come that? How can I help my students who find themselves in similar situations?

I continue to observe myself to understand who I am . . . but like Hasani expressed during his presentation, dating is okay, it is almost necessary for you to find that right person. It is through dating that you will be able to pin point what you need and what you do not need. But for the mean time, let the man practice his chivalry, because for all you know that is just what might be missing in you single independent strong life. Which is what I am working on ;)

Men vs. Women: What is the real battle?

So, I have been itching to get my reactions to this program off my back. I must say, our office has some pretty good damn programs, AND we have some of the largest turnouts given the size of our campus, I'm pretty ecstatic. Now, back to the actual program. I have been at in my current position for about 10 weeks now, and I have been able to make some observations about the campus culture and our programs and purpose of the office. My university is definitely different from any other university I have been at. We are in deep east Texas where majority of the student population is Black and White and some sort of christian faith, with a professional faculty and leadership comprising primarily white. Most of the conversations and observations I make, take me for a ride because it definitely challenges me to think outside the box despite its conservatism.

My office had the privilege of inviting Mr. Hasani Pettiford and Ms. Renee Toppin, experts on communication between the sexes. When I first met our noted speakers, they were eager to learn information about the campus culture in relation to sex, relationships, and communication between the sexes. Having only been here for about 10 months, I do not know much, I don't think I was able to provide them with enough insights, however they chatted it up with various students. It was then that I learned some pretty disturbing 'facts' about my university in relations to those topics. I place 'facts' in quotations because in reality what might have been shared, might be something that that university is trying to say, so I do not know exactly if they are describe my university as a matter of factly. Anyhow, Ms. Toppin's passion is educating women about self-respect, self-worth, and empowerment, something I felt the ladies in my campus might not want to hear, but need to hear.

During the program she stood her ground as she through out statistics about STI's, the effects of casual sex and dating, and the importance of self-respect . . . mind you throwing in their that language of vaginas and penis' and condoms . . . something Texas universities do not hear often. There was quite a bit of shock in the air, but you could also see those "Ah!" moments come on. It was amazing to watch how the image of a powerful Black woman standing up for what she believes in the midst of black college men mocking and doubting her words.

They posed questions such as, "Women, Why is it okay to sleep around?" and "Men, Why is it okay to accept sex when the opportunity presents itself?" Various student development questions were thrown out there such as, "What values are guiding you?" "What principles do you turn to when it comes to sex?" First of all . . . are they paying for sex when they come to college, or are they paying for an education? After the 2 hr and 15min presentation, both Renee and Hasani proposed a 60-day challenge of abstinence and had ladies and men alike recite a pledge. The beauty of the program came when I noticed young ladies moved to tears as they recited the pledge and came up to hug Ms. Toppin. So moving! So inspirational! A space for vulnerability was created in a ballroom that was filled with a little over 700 students.

Purpose of this Blog

Since my return back to Texas from Vermont, I have had a lot more time to reflect on my transition and new experiences. I have found myself in various spaces where I am grateful and thankful for my UVM and HESA experience. This blog will hopefully act as a way for me to share with you my experiences with my re-entry process, as well as serve as a personal guide to others navigating the journey of what it means to be a social justice advocate. I also hope to use this blog as a way to inform and share stories that might lead you to have your own blog. Every now and I find myself triggered, inspired, motivated, or even moved to tears by a news article, quote, or picture shared by someone on Facebook. When this happens my very instinct is to share that very special moment, whether happy or not, with others and hope that you are moved or that a light bulb turns on because of my sharing. I believe social justice work is in the heart of everyone, it is up to the picture, the quote, the person, or whatever to bring it out of the individual no matter how small the passion or desire might be.

I entitled this blog "Seeking Justice in All the Wrong Places" because being a Tejana who left Texas and never gave up her pride for her state, despite its history and possibly wrong direction, I feel as if I might have taken a BIG chunk of the cake when I chose to take my allyship work to Texas. I know social justice work is not as visible or acknowledged in Texas, I know social justice work is tough to start with, but I have hope. I have hope that I will inspire at least one individual during my meetings, that I cause a shift in perspective during one program, or that I inspire students to continue their work in higher education. If I have done any of these things or more IN the state of Texas, then I have done my job.

I live in a state where racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. all manifest themselves in hard core microaggressions. But my training through UVM, HESA, and SJTI has prepared me to tackle these issues in, what I like to refer to as, profound ways. So with that said, I hope you are able to take inventory of your own life's lessons through my blog, my story telling, and my authentic self.