Making the Newspaper

How many of us have made it on to a newspaper? How many have dreamed of making it on to a paper? I made it on to our school's paper, and I always did dream of making it to some sort of media (television, internet, radio, and paper). I am the first to admit that I like the positive light being shined on me. I am not an attention seeker, but when it finds me I hope its in a positive way. Anyhow, my presence on campus has already stirred discussion amongst student, staff, and faculty leadership. I think that's some pretty darn good attention. I was interviewed because I was quoted as saying that I will "change" the campus. This was the first time when I realized . . . I need to watch what I say and how I say it. My primary job as a social justice advocate is to transform lives and create paradigm shifts, which will eventually lead to what we all want: positive change and peace among our lives.

However, in our work we are constantly surrounding ourselves with conversations, situations, and spaces filled with triggering moments (both good and bad). Being interviewed for the student paper was triggering both good and bad, because I understand media and I know how it works. I was afraid my words would get twisted or that something would be taken the wrong way and out of context. Once something is published it is out of our control, what matters now is how you handle it afterwards. While I am proud of my article and proud of the student who interviewed me, I was oblivious as to what section of the paper my article would appear under. All I kept thinking of: what is my article going to say . . . and of course the picture! The picture came out alright, aside from what I feel looks like a fake smile, haha. You could tell I was tired. My article was the first one in the entertainment section.

(I'll let you take that in for a moment). Yes, I stood there in wonderment . . . Why is my face, my last name, right under "Entertainment". Never did I think I would make a newspaper under the entertainment section. First of all, I am the shyest person I know, and I can't think of a talent that I hold that is worth of such entitlement. My social justice lens was out the roof! I decided to start reading my article to check if I was misquoted and to check is conservative terms regarding my 'changing the landscape' perspective were used. You see, in Texas and in politics in general, we have to be cautious as to (like I said before) use and say certain words, also known as padding. Anyhow, What would you think if you face and last name was under a big bold "ENTERTAINMENT" section? Keep in mind, you do not have a talent and you don't seek for attention or are shy . . .

My mind literally (and I hate to say this, but it's true) went to the idea of an animal. As people of color we been associated with a variety of characteristics, and whether we, or you, do not think so, its true. From monkeys to donkeys, from lazy to athletic, from loud to obnoxious. I felt like an animal being showcased. I know it sounds terrible, but that is how I felt. Had my article been in a different place, I would have felt different . . .

But you know what, I am a positivist and hate to dwell on too much negativity. I chose to look beyond it and chose to leave that battle behind, because at the end of the day not everyone gets their name or face in the newspaper. I got my spotlight, it was good, and I can live with it. I have to choose the battles I want to fight when it comes to social justice and diversity work. It is something I have tried to instill in my students and those around us. We cannot dwell in the negative energy we develop from 'microaggressions'. The best way to work our way out of that negative energy is to process with those around us and understand our privileges in doing so. For now, I'm going to take my article and be proud of the fact that I have come a long way and can only go up from where I am at.

A Place Called East Texas

Today I had the privilege of driving to Tyler, TX with a dear friend of mine. We started our trek in Nacogdoches after deciding that Tyler would be the best place to spend the day at. On our way up to Tyler, our GPS navigation system took us through some interesting roads (not that there was any other choice). I realized as I was driving that the roads looked so much like Burlington and New England in general. East Texas is also known as the Piney Woods of Texas. It's beautiful! I never knew Texas could have such beautiful scenery filled with trees arching over the long curvy roads. As always, I joked about how certain movies were filmed in the area, such as "Step Mom". On top of the scenery the weather was beautiful. I just wished the leaves were turning red, yellow, or orange instead of brown. Needless to say, it was still a beautiful ride up.
After touring what Tyler had to offer, included stopping at their much larger mall, it was time to head back to Nac. This time, our GPS took us down a different road. This included many more curves and ups and downs, as well as a accident-causing items such as torn tires and even a fox trying to cross the road. We were driving south east so the sun was definitely in our favor. We were jammin' to country songs, and the day could not have been any better. However, a few thoughts crossed my mind, and not happy ones.
I wondered, where would we be if Texas would have stayed a part of Mexico. I wondered where the Choctaws, the Cherokee, the native people would be at if the Spanish or the French would not have seized the South, or even the English in the North. I wondered, where would the REAL beauty of East Texas be with out the colonization of its people, land, and wildlife. I joked how this is the beauty of nature that allowed for its people to survive and thrive before 'man kind' tore it apart.
I believe social justice is not all about progressing and moving forward, but about honoring and cherishing the past. It is about remembering and never forgetting. My friend pointed out how there are a few cities in East Texas who are proudly named after confederate soldiers, white oppression, and appropriation of one's culture. Cherokee, Texas. Rusk, Texas. White House, Texas. Douglas, Texas. Just to name a few. I think that is why part of me does not mind living in small towns. I am able to freely explore nature with out the interruption of refineries or large buildings. I am able to breathe in the smell of authenticity. I am able to imagine what life would be carefree, with out technology, and seeing with my eyes closed, listening with the wind whispering in my ear, being one with what I supposed to be. With who we were meant to be. With who we still can be. All while doing and working for social justice. East Texas and racism is like that itch you try to scratch but won't go away because you can't really pin point where its coming from. It is right in your face, but it is up to you to start the scratching, but you don't know where to begin.
So, since being here, I have tried to challenge myself in finding the source of that scratch so that I have a direction in where to begin my journey. I challenge you, where does your scratch begin? and how deep are you willing to go? East Texas is my place, but there is still another place in Texas called Deep East Texas. I have yet to tackle that area.

Who killed chivalry?

This is a follow-up to my previous post. Who do you think killed chivalry? Men or Women? The argument seems to be both, it has gone back and forth. However, it is mentioned by some that it was killed by women. It was killed by us ladies because we have begun to shift our expectations of our men and of ourselves. While I understand the logical reasoning behind the statement, I find myself torn, simply because there is a thin line between shifting expectations and societal expectations, but there is also indirect and unforeseen influences.

I was in a two year relationship with a great man, but we went our separate ways after I had spent a year in Vermont and began evaluating my life, my decisions, and the direction I was heading. Let me begin with my values and where they came from. I was raised in a migrating family where a strong work ethic was encouraged since the day I was born. My parents then got a divorce my first year in high school after having a fall out in their relationship, thus my mother was force to raise four girls by juggling 3 low-paying jobs for years to come. I saw here struggle to put food on the kitchen table, yet she never missed a single football game, band concert, ROTC competition, or Parent's Weekend (TAMU) for 15 years. She taught me the meaning of independence, empowerment, courage, dignity, service, pride, and RESPECT! I refused to let myself be driven by love because I was determined to get all my degrees before 'wasting' my time, or so that is how I saw it. My first serious relationship was my last semester of my last year in college . . . this was the 2-year relationship. Unfortunately, through those two years, I lost friendships, I lost out in different opportunities, I lost who I was. I felt as if the only way out was the leave the state of Texas for graduate school. It was until then that I was able to leave my ex-partner.

The following year after we broke up, I decided to evaluate MY choices as opposed to putting all the blame on him. I blamed him because I felt as if he was holding me back from doing more and being more (I would elaborate more but for the integrity of this blog and the respect of our previous relationship I won't). However, in reflecting I realized how I might have killed the very chivalry I wanted. In other words, I am a hopeless romantic (something I am still trying to work through, hence this post) where roses and surprises get the best of me, where I go weak at the knees when I am swept away by a gesture, and where I cry in every romantic, chick-flic, notebook-wanna-be film. But then . . . I prefer to see myself as an independent woman where I can open my own door, plan my own outings, and don't need direction from any one.

At what point should I expect the man to open the door for me? And at what point is it okay for me to open my own door with out taking the chivalrous man out of my man? At what point is it okay for my man to cry in front of me and for me to see him as a man instead of a 'wimp'? Because according to society, a real man shows tears and is emotional, but that is also seen as weak, as feminine, as soft . . . What type of man will I fall for next? And will I be expecting the same thing? I don't know.

Aside from the whole independent, chingona woman I consider myself, I have the history of my parent's divorce looming over me like a dark cloud ready to burst. When I go on dates (which aren't many) I can never seem to let the sun shine beyond the cloud. The fear of divorce haunts me every where I go with a man. How can I over come that? How can I help my students who find themselves in similar situations?

I continue to observe myself to understand who I am . . . but like Hasani expressed during his presentation, dating is okay, it is almost necessary for you to find that right person. It is through dating that you will be able to pin point what you need and what you do not need. But for the mean time, let the man practice his chivalry, because for all you know that is just what might be missing in you single independent strong life. Which is what I am working on ;)

Men vs. Women: What is the real battle?

So, I have been itching to get my reactions to this program off my back. I must say, our office has some pretty good damn programs, AND we have some of the largest turnouts given the size of our campus, I'm pretty ecstatic. Now, back to the actual program. I have been at in my current position for about 10 weeks now, and I have been able to make some observations about the campus culture and our programs and purpose of the office. My university is definitely different from any other university I have been at. We are in deep east Texas where majority of the student population is Black and White and some sort of christian faith, with a professional faculty and leadership comprising primarily white. Most of the conversations and observations I make, take me for a ride because it definitely challenges me to think outside the box despite its conservatism.

My office had the privilege of inviting Mr. Hasani Pettiford and Ms. Renee Toppin, experts on communication between the sexes. When I first met our noted speakers, they were eager to learn information about the campus culture in relation to sex, relationships, and communication between the sexes. Having only been here for about 10 months, I do not know much, I don't think I was able to provide them with enough insights, however they chatted it up with various students. It was then that I learned some pretty disturbing 'facts' about my university in relations to those topics. I place 'facts' in quotations because in reality what might have been shared, might be something that that university is trying to say, so I do not know exactly if they are describe my university as a matter of factly. Anyhow, Ms. Toppin's passion is educating women about self-respect, self-worth, and empowerment, something I felt the ladies in my campus might not want to hear, but need to hear.

During the program she stood her ground as she through out statistics about STI's, the effects of casual sex and dating, and the importance of self-respect . . . mind you throwing in their that language of vaginas and penis' and condoms . . . something Texas universities do not hear often. There was quite a bit of shock in the air, but you could also see those "Ah!" moments come on. It was amazing to watch how the image of a powerful Black woman standing up for what she believes in the midst of black college men mocking and doubting her words.

They posed questions such as, "Women, Why is it okay to sleep around?" and "Men, Why is it okay to accept sex when the opportunity presents itself?" Various student development questions were thrown out there such as, "What values are guiding you?" "What principles do you turn to when it comes to sex?" First of all . . . are they paying for sex when they come to college, or are they paying for an education? After the 2 hr and 15min presentation, both Renee and Hasani proposed a 60-day challenge of abstinence and had ladies and men alike recite a pledge. The beauty of the program came when I noticed young ladies moved to tears as they recited the pledge and came up to hug Ms. Toppin. So moving! So inspirational! A space for vulnerability was created in a ballroom that was filled with a little over 700 students.

Purpose of this Blog

Since my return back to Texas from Vermont, I have had a lot more time to reflect on my transition and new experiences. I have found myself in various spaces where I am grateful and thankful for my UVM and HESA experience. This blog will hopefully act as a way for me to share with you my experiences with my re-entry process, as well as serve as a personal guide to others navigating the journey of what it means to be a social justice advocate. I also hope to use this blog as a way to inform and share stories that might lead you to have your own blog. Every now and I find myself triggered, inspired, motivated, or even moved to tears by a news article, quote, or picture shared by someone on Facebook. When this happens my very instinct is to share that very special moment, whether happy or not, with others and hope that you are moved or that a light bulb turns on because of my sharing. I believe social justice work is in the heart of everyone, it is up to the picture, the quote, the person, or whatever to bring it out of the individual no matter how small the passion or desire might be.

I entitled this blog "Seeking Justice in All the Wrong Places" because being a Tejana who left Texas and never gave up her pride for her state, despite its history and possibly wrong direction, I feel as if I might have taken a BIG chunk of the cake when I chose to take my allyship work to Texas. I know social justice work is not as visible or acknowledged in Texas, I know social justice work is tough to start with, but I have hope. I have hope that I will inspire at least one individual during my meetings, that I cause a shift in perspective during one program, or that I inspire students to continue their work in higher education. If I have done any of these things or more IN the state of Texas, then I have done my job.

I live in a state where racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. all manifest themselves in hard core microaggressions. But my training through UVM, HESA, and SJTI has prepared me to tackle these issues in, what I like to refer to as, profound ways. So with that said, I hope you are able to take inventory of your own life's lessons through my blog, my story telling, and my authentic self.